The Un-Love List

Though I will post a list of things I'm loving on Friday, as per usual, today I thought I'd do something a little different.
I'm currently in the midst of the lovely Susannah's Blogging From the Heart e-course, and she is gently prodding us to open up, be more honest, and take a few risks. I've been thinking about what I reveal about myself in this space, and the answer seems to be: very little. My goal is to create a positive, pretty environment, but in trying to do so, I seem to only skim the surface of my life, leaving unsaid all the things that aren't easy to wrap up and present with a ribbon on top. If I didn't know me and read this blog, all I would come away with is a rather vague impression of girl who lives in Paris, takes photos, eats a lot of pretty food, and likes sparkly pink things.
So in an attempt to show a little more of the whole picture, I'm starting with a list (because I love lists) of the not-so-pretty aspects of myself I would normally try to hide. Here goes.

10 Things I'd Rather You Not Know About Me

  1. I don't find babies cute. Kittens, lambs, chicks, baby animals of all kinds: heck yes, but mini-humans: not so much. 
  2. Speaking of kittens -- I have a deep distrust of people who say they don't like cats. No matter how lovely a person you turn out to be, if you dislike cats I fear that we differ too much on a very fundamental level for us to ever truly 'get' each other.
  3. I'm not religious. I am spiritual, in a woo-woo, airy-fairy kind of way.
  4. I feel like a foreigner no matter which country I'm in. Even (especially?) the US (where I was born).
  5. I wasted four years of my life recovering from a breakup with someone I'm now immensely grateful I didn't marry.
  6. I got so good at suppressing pain that I'm now worried I've lost the ability to properly feel anything.  My default emotional setting seems to be... apathy.
  7. I worry a lot. I worry I won't be able to write my book. I worry about the constant, nagging pain in my abdomen. I worry about not learning French fast enough. I worry I will never fit in or make friends here. I worry I'm disappointing everyone. I worry I will never feel as strong and healthy again as I did as a teenager. I worry something will happen to my boyfriend. I worry it's already too late to live up to any potential I may once have had. I worry about more big earthquakes happening in Japan. I worry about pigeons getting run over in the street. I worry.
  8. I find politics deeply irritating, but for the record, I'm a registered Democrat.
  9. When I was six I wrote/drew a story about a princess named Princess who had horns on her head and was mean to everyone she met. I very much identified with Princess.
  10. I'm a strong advocate of self-love/acceptance, but cringe every time I look in the mirror.
Phew. Well that was hard, but better out than in. If you're still here, thanks for listening.



Vanessa said...

Hello, I'm also doing the lovely Susannah's course. I haven't yet had the courage to 'go personal' on my blog. Reading these things about you makes me want to come back and read more - so thank you for sharing them. Vanessa x

Amy Miyamoto said...

There is so much authentic power in what you have revealed here. I can see glimpses of your vibrant, unique, techni-colored true Self singing through. ;)

Ginger said...

Wow. Love this.

(also from class!)

The Dame said...

You and I are exactly the same on points 1-4. Replace worry with gratitude, thats what Im doing and its working :) I hope that soon you can look in the mirror and love what you see :) xoxox

Vanessa said...

This is awesome! Authentic and real! This is what blogging from the heart is all about. WELL DONE!!!!I feel like we have a lot in common... I adore Paris and wanted to move there about 10 years ago... I'm woo woo and a democrat too but you might not want to be my friend because uhm... well, I don't like cats... BUT WAIT! Only because i'm SERIOUSLY allergic and they make me get really bad Asthma attacks that on occasion have sent me to the hospital. I do think they are super cute though... :)

Sammy said...

This is beautiful, cousin! :) I'm definitely with you on the cats. I love this glimpse into who you are, and I love love that you signed with just your initial. So gossip girl-esque. :)

Amanda said...

Wow, thanks for sharing all of this it is nice to get to know you a bit better . Sometimes I think that by focusing on the positive and the happy it might seeem we have some kind of edulcolorated unreal life , which I know is not true of course, since we are all human. Oh And I totally relate to 2, 3, 4, 5 and 7.

Susannah Conway said...

this was awesome :D xxx

Lilie said...

Thank you so much everyone! Your comments mean the world to me.

@The Dame -- love what you're saying about replacing worry with gratitude. i've already learned that's 100% true, and i needed the reminder!

@Vanessa -- I understand about allergies (I used to be allergic to cats too)!

@Sammy -- thanks, cuzin! xoxo ;)

@Amanda -- you've taught me a new vocabulary word-- edulcolrate: make something more acceptable or palatable -- love it! it's comforting to know there are other souls out there who can relate -- makes me feel more human :)

Clare said...

Wonderful post, great insight into the complexity of you. & I LOVE the image. A very real shot & hot pink tights. Love it.

paris (im)perfect said...

This was beautiful; thank you for sharing. I do a mix of personal and general on my blog, but don't belabor all the hard stuff I'm going through. But I always get the most response when opening up. The single most amazing moment I ever had on my blog was the day I posted about my divorce. People's heartfelt responses had me in tears - in a good way. It proves what you have also showed us here today - authentic, honest writing has power. Thank you for your voice.

Lilie said...

@paris (im)perfect -- Merci, Sion! I appreciate that. I am enjoying your blog a lot, slowly reading my way through the archives. As a fellow American in Paris and writer, it's a treasure-trove of info and relate-able thoughts; definitely a well-balanced mix of personal and general (and fun videos!).

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